So you have graduated from college,
started work, what do you do next? While most guys between 24 and 29 worry
about career advancement, women of the same age worry about getting married.
Is it parents?
Is it our culture and traditions?
Are we ready for marriage when society says
we are?
Could this rush to get married be reason why
many marriages don’t last?
The reasons some girls rush into
marriage may appear, frivolous or even old-fashioned, but make sense in the
circumstances. Well, some of them do, anyway.
Security
Who doesn't need to feel secure, emotionally, physically and otherwise? Marriage provides security to most women, someone to provide and care for them. Whether you agree with this aspect of my culture or not, it’s a man’s responsibility to take care of his wife and children. This certainly makes marriage appealing, although it only takes the wrong partner, to make it appalling.
Who doesn't need to feel secure, emotionally, physically and otherwise? Marriage provides security to most women, someone to provide and care for them. Whether you agree with this aspect of my culture or not, it’s a man’s responsibility to take care of his wife and children. This certainly makes marriage appealing, although it only takes the wrong partner, to make it appalling.
The fairy tale
We've heard of Cinderella, and we've dreamed of the day we’d become her. We want our own Prince to dance with at our own ball. It is easy to have a fairy tale these days. In the old days, our parents had to walk or if they were lucky be piggybacked some five kilometers to church, but now things have changed. We have luxury cars for rent. We have the right to slip our feet into glass slippers, and have a prince charming that will sweep us off our feet into limos or range rovers, dance the night away, and live happily ever after for about a month.
We've heard of Cinderella, and we've dreamed of the day we’d become her. We want our own Prince to dance with at our own ball. It is easy to have a fairy tale these days. In the old days, our parents had to walk or if they were lucky be piggybacked some five kilometers to church, but now things have changed. We have luxury cars for rent. We have the right to slip our feet into glass slippers, and have a prince charming that will sweep us off our feet into limos or range rovers, dance the night away, and live happily ever after for about a month.
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Membership
of the Cool Kids club!
Acceptance is a basic human need. Just like in high school when we did whatever our friends did, to feel part of the group, when all your friends are getting married, and you aren't, you are bound to feel pressured. Even when nobody comments on your singleness, you would still feel like an outsider. Marriage in our community is a validation of our womanhood, as if we aren't quite women enough until some guys make honest women out of us.
Acceptance is a basic human need. Just like in high school when we did whatever our friends did, to feel part of the group, when all your friends are getting married, and you aren't, you are bound to feel pressured. Even when nobody comments on your singleness, you would still feel like an outsider. Marriage in our community is a validation of our womanhood, as if we aren't quite women enough until some guys make honest women out of us.
External
pressure also affects men to a point where they can rush into marriage with
wrong partners. Sometimes the pressure is from friends, sometimes it is from
family, and sometimes from the expectations of community, and what is
considered a norm.
Medical reasons
It is being known that women generally have a biological
clock; they have limited time to have children.
Let’s suppose that a girl marries at 30, she only has 10 years period to have
children 30 to 40 =10, at the age of 40 or above women generally will have
problems having babies, but the men can be fertile for their entire life.
What makes our brothers feel pressured to
marry?
Status
You are not truly successful unless you have a wife and kids at home. It is not about the vows, or being faithful to one wife. It is a show, that you are now a man; you have conquered an African woman and reared children.
You are not truly successful unless you have a wife and kids at home. It is not about the vows, or being faithful to one wife. It is a show, that you are now a man; you have conquered an African woman and reared children.
Children
There must be some kind of male biological clock that ticks around this age. And then there are parents that want grandchildren. They are constantly reminding you that you haven’t provided them with one. It is even worse if you are the first-born; the entire clan is waiting for your offspring.
There must be some kind of male biological clock that ticks around this age. And then there are parents that want grandchildren. They are constantly reminding you that you haven’t provided them with one. It is even worse if you are the first-born; the entire clan is waiting for your offspring.
My
African brothers and sisters, any similarities with the way things work in your
culture?
The
pressure to marry is not just external, parents wanting grandchildren or
society wanting us to conform. When marriage is not just about love, or
starting a family, but also about fulfilling basic physiological, safety, and
esteem needs, how do we not cave to the pressure? Do we tell churches and
mosques to relax their commandments? Do we ask families to abandon ideals such
as honour and respect? Do we redefine freedom, security, and achievement? Or do
we just accept our norms, and ready or not, marry at the expected age?
3 comments:
Well ,this pressure depends on individuals and climes.It also has different school of thought.There are defined thoughts given to the sexist school of thought.In another light,the blurring boundary between work-place and the kitchen comes handy in explaining an aspect too.Then the big one,the total obliteration of 'gender' taking root.As the words 'male' or 'female' is someone's view and not an all inclusive view.
I can only speak for me. I wanted to get married (as a guy) before thirty because I wanted to have children I could play around with (along with my wife of course) as I age slowly. We could go play lawn tennis and I'll still be below 50. We could discuss like brothers. Not like this cannot happen when one marries beyond age thirty. But for me, I felt I'd still have the strength for such as stated above. But for ladies, I can only guess. Ladies may be under the pressure to want to get married before age thirty because of menopause and (in our clime) only a few men go for ladies beyond thirty. You could even find a 60 year old man wanting to marry a 25 year old lady. I guess this pressure varies with places and people. Some may not even be under any pressure at all. For me, I've tried but I've not met her. I no go kill myself. I just have to keep faithful, stay friendly and focused. She will come. I know she will.
I recently went to my boyfriends parents house for a barbaque.There was a woman there I had never met who wanted to talk to me.My boyfriends mom stood nearby like it was some sort of set up.The woman then started questioning if I lived with my boyfriend(which I do) and if I went to church.My background in church getting married having babies etc.She said the only reason a woman is in a relationship is because she wants a ring on her finger.She then started pushing me to get married.She even started talking about my having kids.I told her not at the moment I want to get married.I told her I was more interested in career pursuits and that I was only 22.She continued to say I can get married and pressured me.During this convo my whole boyfriends family was listening in and laughing.It did not hit me until later how humiliated and controlled I felt.Like this attack of pushing me to marriage topic was in fact a set up.I grew up in the church and father is a deacon.I now don't go to church that often.Now after my eyes are open about the pressures on young adults to marry and have children I now will stay very far from the church(controlling place).Being in a relationship and going to church has made me so uncomfortable compared to when I was single.I was not pressured as much when I was single but now since I am in a relationship there is that expectation that I must marry.Most of my life I watched kids get married and start popping out babies and did not realize that many of these kids did not want this but there elders parents and pasters were controlling them.This gets me so upset!
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